Self-Coaching with NLP: The Power of Presence and Awareness in Transforming the Self

 

Introduction

In the fast-paced, high-demand world we live in today, more people are seeking ways to maintain emotional resilience, inner clarity, and personal growth. For practitioners of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), coaching is a tool they often use to help others unlock potential, shift limiting beliefs, and create meaningful change. However, what is often overlooked is the powerful concept of self-coaching—the ability to use NLP techniques to coach oneself. In the context of NLP, self-coaching is about cultivating self-awareness and presence, guiding oneself through personal transformation without the need for an external coach. By mastering self-coaching, we can harness the power of the present moment, tap into our unconscious patterns, and create a life aligned with our values and aspirations.

 

What is Self-Coaching?

Self-coaching refers to the process of directing your own growth, development, and transformation by consciously using your internal resources. It involves recognizing patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior, then taking intentional steps to shift or reinforce them. In NLP, this process is grounded in an awareness of the self as an observer and participant in one's experience, and it draws upon foundational NLP principles like state management, anchoring, and re-framing. Self-awareness is foundational for self-coaching. When we are aware of what is happening inside our mind and heart , we get the freedom to choose what we are going to do next.

 

 

Many definitions of self-coaching exist, but a well-recognized one comes from Joseph O'Connor and Andrea Lages, authors of Coaching with NLP, who describe self-coaching as “the ability to observe, question, and change one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors without external intervention." This definition highlights two key components: self-awareness and self-regulation. As NLP practitioners, we understand that awareness is the first step toward any form of change, and self-coaching brings this awareness inward, using it to create meaningful shifts in our mindset and behavior.

 

The Role of Presence: Preconditions for Effective Self-Coaching

For self-coaching to be effective, one essential precondition is the ability to be fully present. Being present means becoming consciously aware of the “NOW”—observing thoughts, emotions, and sensations without judgment or resistance. Eckhart Tolle, in The Power of Now, speaks to the significance of being in the present moment as a gateway to personal transformation. The present is the only place where we can influence change; the past is done, and the future is yet to unfold.

 

Presence is particularly critical in self-coaching because it allows us to step outside of automatic reactions. By cultivating mindfulness and awareness of our mental and emotional states, we can “RESPOND” with intention, rather than react. In NLP terms, this is referred to as dissociation—creating enough space between our thoughts and emotions unconsciously to view them objectively. When we are present, we recognize the underlying structures of our thoughts and emotions, and from this place, we can engage our inner coach.

Being self-aware of, being in NOW, or presence is the prerequisite for self-coaching. What we need to focus on  what is going on inside us and access the power of becoming our own master. The mind works in duality. We always talk to us, sometimes it is obvious and sometimes not. How can I have a dialogue with me if I am not split into two? I have two parts: I in the background and me in the foreground. I who is in the background  becomes the guard of what is done by me in the foreground. Hence, I can have a conversation with me. This conversation happens continuously, uninterrupted from the birth till breath becomes air at the end of life. Self-awareness is being aware of this split, duality within the mind operating system.

 

 

In self-coaching what we can do is we can regulate this conversation so that it navigates to where we want it to go and what we want to be. To do that we need to have a set of powerful questions that I can ask from me. Can we ask some of the following questions from us when we encounter a problem or challenge?

 

What is the issue? Where are you with the issue right now? Where do you want to get to? What has been the effect of what you have done (if anything) to work on the issue so far? What assumptions are you making about you, and about anyone else involved? about what is possible? If you had absolutely no constraints – what would you do? Imagine you have successfully addressed the issue. What does success look like, sound like and feel like? If you had a wise friend, what would they say or do? What options do you have? Based on the ideas you have generated so far, what will you do? What is the first small step you will take?

Let us try and see what difference it would make to ourselves .

 

The Power and Significance of Self-Coaching

We need to be sure why we need self-coaching and the power of it as a means of getting what we want, desire and like. Who is the best person under the sun who knows  all about you? It is undoubtedly YOU.

 

Self-Awareness as the Foundation for Growth

The most significant value of self-coaching is the deepened level of self-awareness it offers. We are constantly thinking, feeling, and acting—often on autopilot. Through self-coaching, we become aware of those unconscious patterns and the internal dialogue that drives our decisions and emotional states. This awareness enables us to identify self-limiting beliefs or behaviors ( SLBs), self-limiting stories ( SLSs) and shift them intentionally.

 

For example, if you find yourself feeling anxious before a major presentation, self-coaching allows you to observe the thought patterns driving the anxiety. You may recognize the internal dialogue saying, “I’m not good enough” or “I will fail.” Using NLP techniques like re-framing, you can change the meaning of those thoughts—by saying, “This is an opportunity to showcase my knowledge.” The power of this process lies in the awareness of your state, followed by intentional change.

 

Empowerment and Ownership

Self-coaching encourages personal responsibility. Rather than relying on others to provide insight, guidance, or motivation, the individual takes ownership of their development. In his book The Magic of Self-Coaching, Joseph Luciani emphasizes the importance of becoming your own best coach by learning to challenge and restructure negative or unproductive thoughts and behaviors. This level of self-reliance builds confidence and resilience.

 

 

 

Aligning with Core Values

Often, external coaching focuses on guiding clients to align their goals and behaviors with their core values. In self-coaching, the same principle applies. By becoming attuned to what truly matters to us—whether it is personal growth, connection, creativity, or service—we ensure that our actions align with our deepest values. This process fosters a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

 

Practical Applications of Self-Coaching in Daily Life

State Management in Stressful Situations

In moments of stress or overwhelm, self-coaching can be applied by using the NLP technique of anchoring. For example, if you find yourself in a stressful meeting, you can quickly shift your state by recalling a moment of calmness and anchoring that feeling with a physical touch (like pressing your thumb and forefinger together). This practice instantly brings you back to a resourceful state, allowing you to navigate the situation with clarity and calmness.

 

Reframing Limiting Beliefs

Self-coaching involves identifying limiting beliefs and using NLP’s re-framing technique to shift perspectives. Suppose you are faced with the belief that "I’m not smart enough to succeed in my career." Through self-coaching, you can examine where this belief originated and reframe it into something more empowering, such as “I have the ability to learn and grow in my career.” If one can do it anyone can do it. This shift in perspective opens new possibilities for action and confidence.

 

Daily Reflection and Self-Inquiry

Practicing daily reflection is one of the simplest and most effective self-coaching tools. By taking a few moments each day to check in with yourself—asking questions like “What went well today?” “What did I learn?”, and “How can I improve tomorrow?”—you cultivate a habit of continuous self-awareness and growth. This simple act of self-inquiry keeps you aligned with your goals and fosters a mindset of lifelong learning.

 

How to do self-coaching

There are several models used in self-coaching such as GROW ( Goal, Reality, Options, Way forward) model and ABCDE  ( Activating event, Beliefs, Consequences, Dispute, Exchange)model and CTFAR ( Circumstance, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, Results).

 

 

 

CTFAR (Circumstance, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, Results)

The basic premise of the Model is as follows.

• Circumstances are neutral.
• Your thoughts cause your feelings.
• Your feelings cause your actions.
• Your actions cause your results.

The components of the Model are as follows.

• A circumstance is a neutral fact.
• A thought is a sentence in your head about a circumstance.
• A feeling is a vibration in your body caused by a thought.
• An action is what your feelings cause you to do.
• The result is the consequence of your action.

 

 

 

C – Circumstance

This refers to the objective, factual aspects of a situation that are beyond our control. It includes the external factors, events, or situations that occur in our lives. Circumstances can vary widely, ranging from major life events to everyday occurrences.

It is important to recognize that we cannot change the circumstances themselves. However, we have complete control over how we perceive and respond to them. 

Our power lies in choosing our mindset and attitude towards the circumstances we encounter.

 

T – Thought

Our thoughts are the interpretations and evaluations we assign to a given circumstance. They are the internal dialogue that runs through our minds, shaping our perspective and influencing our emotions and actions. 

Our thoughts can be empowering, positive, and supportive, or they can be limiting, negative, and self-defeating. It is crucial to become aware of our thoughts because they hold tremendous power in shaping our reality. 

By consciously choosing our thoughts and challenging any unhelpful or limiting beliefs, we can shift our mindset and create a more empowering narrative.

 

F – Feeling

Our thoughts trigger emotional responses within us. They evoke a wide range of feelings, including happiness, excitement, anger, fear, sadness, and more. Emotions provide valuable information about how we perceive and react to the world around us. 

Understanding our emotions and the role they play in our lives is key to self-awareness and personal growth. By recognizing our feelings and their connection to our thoughts, we gain the power to influence our emotional state. 

This awareness allows us to choose how we want to respond to our emotions and navigate them in a healthy and constructive manner.

 

A – Action

Our actions are the behaviors we engage in based on our thoughts and emotions. They are the tangible expressions of our internal world. Our actions can either propel us forward or hold us back from achieving our goals and desired outcomes. 

Whether we take proactive steps towards our aspirations or succumb to self-doubt and inaction, our actions have a direct impact on the results we achieve in life. 

Taking deliberate and intentional actions aligned with our thoughts and emotions is essential for personal growth and creating positive change.

 

R – Result

The results are the outcomes that manifest because of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. They are the tangible evidence of how our inner world shapes our external reality. Results can be seen in various aspects of our lives, such as relationships, career, health, and personal development. 

By understanding the cause-and-effect relationship between our thoughts, feelings, actions, and results, we gain valuable insight into our patterns and can make intentional changes to create the outcomes we desire. 

Results provide feedback that allows us to evaluate our progress and make necessary adjustments along the way.

 

How to Apply the CTFAR Model in Real Life?

Thought Awareness

Start by becoming more conscious of your thoughts. Observe the narratives running through your mind and question their validity. Are they empowering or limiting? Are they aligned with your goals and values?

Emotional Regulation

Notice how your thoughts influence your emotions. Practice acknowledging and accepting your feelings without judgment. Then, consciously choose how you want to respond to them, rather than allowing them to control your actions.

Action Alignment

Align your actions with your desired outcomes. Take deliberate steps that are in line with your values, goals, and the person you want to become. Remember, small consistent actions can lead to significant transformations over time.

Results Evaluation

Continuously assess the results you are achieving in different areas of your life. If they are not aligning with your intentions, reflect on the underlying thoughts, emotions, and actions that may be contributing to those outcomes. Use this feedback loop to make necessary adjustments and course corrections.

 

Examples of CTFAR in Action

 

C – Circumstance: My schedule is full.

T – Thought: “I don’t have time to work on my new project.”

F – Feeling: Frustration

A – Action: Being short with clients and family

R – Result: Not making progress on my new project

 

C – Circumstance: A disagreement with a neighbor

T – Thought: “They always misunderstand me.”

F – Feeling: Anger and resentment

A – Action: Avoiding contact and communication

R – Result: Strained friendship and lack of resolution

 

C – Circumstance: Receiving constructive feedback on   a consulting  project completed

T – Thought: “I am not good enough. I will never succeed.”

F – Feeling: Inadequacy and self-doubt

A – Action: Procrastinating and avoiding further work from that client

R – Result: Stagnation and missed opportunities for improvement

 

C – Circumstance: A mistake made during a  board presentation

T – Thought: “I am so stupid. Everyone noticed my error.”

F – Feeling: Embarrassment and shame

A – Action: Withdrawing from future  opportunities of presentations

R – Result: Limited growth in the corporate ladder  and missed opportunities for showcasing expertise

 

Conclusion: The Value of Self-Coaching for NLP Practitioners

For NLP practitioners, self-coaching is not just a method—it is a way of life. It allows us to apply the principles we use with our clients to our own lives, deepening our self-awareness, presence, and personal development. By harnessing the power of the present moment and consciously directing our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, we can navigate challenges with greater resilience, achieve our goals with clarity, and live a life aligned with our core values.

 

The relevance of self-coaching today cannot be overstated. In an era where we often look outward for solutions, self-coaching empowers us to turn inward—to become our own guide, teacher, and mentor. By cultivating awareness and presence, we can create meaningful, sustainable change from within.